What’s the craziest thing you ever said to your students?

Kids say the darndest things. But teachers do, too!  Between bathroom conversations, weird smells, bizarre use of school supplies, and suspicious animal noises coming from backpacks, how could you not?

I posted the above image on my Facebook page and asked teachers to share the craziest thing they’ve ever heard come out of their own mouths. I had tears rolling down my face reading the entire comment thread on Facebook and picked the best ones for you here. Feel free to add your quips in the comments below!

“Go down to the cafeteria and look behind the piano for your tooth.” (That’s my craziest quote!)

“We don’t suck the juice out of the markers or drink the Elmers glue.” (Belinda R.)

“We don’t chew gum we find behind the bench!” (Kathern R.)

“Why are you eating the test paper?” (Sam C.)

“Why are you sucking on his earbuds?” (Tracy N.)

“The urinal cake is not candy. You cannot lick it or eat it.” (Jennifer A.)

“Whose underwear is in the garbage?” (Emillie H.)

“Did you have underwear on when you went INTO the bathroom?!” (Jodilee W.)

“Please don’t place your dirty underwear in your desk…” …after I finally figured out three days later where the smell was coming from. (Holly A.)

In PE class: “ Leave Johnny’s balls alone. You’ve got two of your own to play with!” (Clare M.)

“Put your dangly thing back in your pants…”  …referring to the cord to make a boys pants tighter. (Kathleen A.)

“Come here and I will punch you…” …punch cards for positive behavior.  (Carrie H.)

“Why is there poop on your scissors?” (Anna J.)

“Please stop cleaning your belly button with your pencil.” (Michelle L.)

“Do NOT wipe your boogers on the white board!” (Ginger S.)

“Don’t use your glue stick for lip gloss!” (Kathy D.)

“We don’t sit on our friends!” (Melissa D.)

“Please don’t lick your tablemate.” (Stacey S.)

“Get your finger out of Jason’s nose! We do not stick our fingers in other people’s noses!” (Jackie B.)

“Did you have your shoes on when you left your house this morning?” (Pennie D)

“No, I don’t want to smell your stinky finger.” (Susan M.)

“Shut your butt pocket.” (Kasey B)

“Did you not know the squirrel was in your pants?!” (Lisa K.)

“Is that meowing I hear in your backpack?” (Jill R.)

“Stanley, stop barking!” (Alice M.)

“No, the urinal isn’t a midget shower!” (Helen B.)

The health teacher asked them to make models of reproductive organs with foil, string, and other materials. It was the best way for them to learn the different parts, except when seventh grade boys come back to my English class. I said, “Please stop swinging your testicles on your pencil. Put them in your pocket where they belong.” (Colleen T.)

I taught Gr. 9 physical education and had to teach about the various STDs. I decided that I would break the class into groups and each group would do a presentation on an STD. Fast forward to the day of presentations. I stood at the front of the class and said, “Okay, who has herpes?” You could hear a pin drop until a fit of giggles started at the back of the room. (Kim G.)

“If Maya misses a period then Marcus is in trouble…” …explaining about group grammar work accountability. (Andrea B.)

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard yourself saying in the classroom?