Yeah, I’ve heard that as well. I’ve heard it so often and I’ve experienced it myself as well because the type of students that we would be getting in a setting, so I work in a setting for students where I used to work, like that was my previous job, but in a setting for students with significant social, emotional, and mental health needs.
The profile of those students has become more extreme over the years because the threshold has changed. There are so many students who need that additional support, so the ones that actually end up reaching us are like the extreme, extreme students. Because things are getting more challenging—well, obviously I don’t have any data to back that up, but anecdotally, that does seem like the case, doesn’t it?
But it needs to be about breaking the cycle somehow, like overwhelm and big behaviors lead us to approach the day-to-day like this giant game of whack-a-mole, where we just feel like we’re constantly addressing behaviors and hitting down the behaviors to be able to actually teach. We can break this cycle in a number of ways. And there are a bunch of different things we can change in our practice, from striking that balance between our credible and approachable teaching presence to really nailing down our entry and exit routines, to having systems in place for early finishers.
Because all of these things are micro-moments where there are opportunities for behaviors to kind of spike up. You know, having non-verbal roadmaps to follow when addressing low-level behaviors in a calm way—all of those things are proactive and are happening before the behavior pops up. There are so many things that teachers can start with just to see some success and feel more excited about the potential for things to change. Because it kind of gets to a point where things feel really hopeless and helpless, and you just don’t want to walk back into the classroom again.
It’s all about breaking that cycle and coming from this understanding that we can’t control the behaviors. We’re not in control of the behaviors in the room as much as some people’s leaders would like us to be. You do not control any other human being’s behaviors. All you can control is your own behaviors, how you respond, and what you do. So really starting from that understanding and then putting things in place that can proactively start to mitigate some of these big challenges.
Because there are lots of things that we can do to start to mitigate. All of those whack-a-mole behaviors are kind of not leaving space for us to deal with the things that actually need to be dealt with more rigorously. We’re always on those low-level disruptions. And yeah, it all starts with that and understanding that classroom management has far less to do with the behavior itself than a lot of people like to make out.
Teacher presence: balancing credibility and approachability
When you talk about being able to control only yourself, you mentioned your presence in the classroom, I’d love to hear you talk about presence because I feel like that’s a really hard thing to define. And it’s different for every teacher. I tried, as a young teacher, to emulate other successful teachers, not realizing that my demeanor didn’t naturally match theirs. My personality wasn’t like theirs. So I couldn’t do things the way that they did. I had to find what was authentic to me, and then I was able to sustain it. Then it wasn’t just like this performance or this act. It was actually something I could do day after day, and it actually resonated with the kids because they could feel the sincerity in there. So can you speak a little bit to how you have found your presence and what advice you give around that?
This is one of the things that I talk about the most, actually. I absolutely love this topic. And what you said about us kind of comparing ourselves to the teacher down the hall—when I first started teaching, there was this one teacher. She’s a really good friend of mine actually. But she is this really loud, out-there, really energetic person. And I was trying to emulate that, thinking that would make me more popular with the students or more likable with the students. And it just led to me having far more issues with behavior because of how I was showing up in the classroom.
So, this is a concept by Michael Grinder. It’s called Envoy, and it’s all about the non-verbals that we use in the classroom. This one thing can honestly be like a switch being flicked in the classroom. We’ve got these two ways that we can show up in the classroom non-verbally. The first is being credible in our teaching presence, and the second is being approachable in our teaching presence.
It’s all about balancing those things. It’s not about us being a certain kind of person. It’s not about us having to be more exciting, more fun, more strict—it’s not about those things. So it’s beautiful because we can just lean into the people that we are and be really authentic and genuine with our students. It’s just about being strategic with the non-verbals that we’re using when we need to use them.
The times when we’re trying to get students to be listening to instructions and teacher-led instructions, we would be more embodying the credible, which is more stillness, more slowness. Our inflection would be different. Our tone would be different. Our proximity to students would be different. The way we’re standing—on both feet, shoulders down, really intentionally embodying this credible body language, really taking that deep breath.
But then there are times when we can be more approachable when we’re moving from group to group during group work or when we’re having a chat with our students when we’re trying to build that rapport. We’re more in our approachable body language, which is more relaxed. We might be leaning on the table, we might be on one foot, you know, just having a bit of a chat like I’m talking to you right now. This is not how I’d talk to my students if I’m trying to get them to follow my instructions.
So really thinking about our teaching presence as a tool and a bunch of different non-verbal strategies. It’s not about being a different person. It’s actually something that every single one of us can learn because if we don’t use these two things in the right way at the right time, it can actually escalate the behaviors in the room.
If I’m being approachable in times where I’m supposed to be credible, students in the room are going to be having a bit of a chit-chat, and I’m going to be like, “Why are you talking? Why are you talking over me? Come on, everyone, let’s listen.” So it’s really about choosing the non-verbals that are appropriate for the moment. And that is our teaching presence. It’s not about the person we are.
Common pitfalls in behavior management
What are some of the common pitfalls that are really easy to fall into with behavior issues?
I think—and it leads to what I just said—it’s not modeling what we want from our students. It all leads from those non-verbals and the whole idea of the credible and the approachable and how we need to strategically be with our students. One of the most important tools that we have in our bag of tricks for behavior is our own regulation.
I use this analogy of our class being an orchestra, and we’re the conductor of the energy in the room. All of the music the class is playing is just to the tune of their own emotional regulation, and it’s our job as the conductor to then lead and guide that as much as we can from what is in our control, which is often our non-verbals and our structures and all of the things that are happening outside of those behaviors. That is our baton. Our non-verbals are our baton—all of those wonderful things that we can do in our control.
A big pivot for teachers—and it’s something that has an immediate impact on how we’re responding to behaviors and the behaviors themselves—is just modeling what we want to see in the room. I spoke a lot about the credible and the approachable. The best way to remember how to do that is just by asking yourself, “What do I want to see from my students right now, and how can I embody that?”
So, if I want my students to be calm and sitting in their seats, listening and attentive, how do I need to embody that in my non-verbals to regulate them into what I’d like them to be doing right now?
If we’re expecting students to listen to teacher input and giving them a big wad of sheets to take one and pass one along, the attention is no longer on us. And that’s something that I see. You know, I’ve observed hundreds and hundreds of classes over my career. And that is one of the big things I see—little things like that do add up to some disruption.
So, “Take one and pass one along”—well, all of a sudden, the attention isn’t on you, and you’ve given a distraction for students to be doing. That’s non-verbal permission for them not to be listening to you. If we want students to be working independently on a task, but then all of a sudden we’re going, “Hey, Barry, what are you doing over there? Put your phone away,” instead of moving really quietly, really calmly, and using our proximity to redirect that student, we need to be embodying what we want to see from the class.
If you want calm, you need to be modeling that. If you want students to be moving around the room slowly, you need to be modeling that. If you want students to be paying attention, but you’re pacing and talking over them and thinking, “Near enough is good enough because Bobby’s the only one still having a chat in the corner, but I just need to get through the work and the content,” you’re sending non-verbal messages to your students. So we just need to be sending the right messages and using those right non-verbals at the right times. That is just such a powerful pivot when we start to realize that we need to start embodying what we want to see for our students.
When self-regulation is difficult
What do you do in that moment when it’s just really hard to be regulated? Where it’s like, you know what you need to embody, but it’s like, “I just want to yell across the room to this kid because I can’t believe they’re doing it again.” Do you explicitly model that for kids and say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now,” and then show them what you’re doing to calm yourself down? Or how do you handle that?
I think in situations where I’m trying to regulate the behavior in the room, I won’t talk through that stuff. I think it’s really important for us to be able to teach and model emotional regulation. So if I’m running in from having a really tough day, I might say to them, “Hi, class. I’ve had a really tough morning. I’m feeling really stressed. Before I’m able to teach this lesson, I’m going to take a couple of deep breaths and drop my shoulders, and then we’re going to move on with the lesson. Because if I do the lesson the way that I’m feeling right now, I might not be responding to things.”
So there is a time and a place for that kind of modeling. When I’m trying to get students to be listening to me and my instructions, I won’t be modeling that necessarily. I’ll just be trying my best to stay regulated, and it is hard. It’s really triggering.
Before I walk into every single lesson—every single lesson—I’ll say to myself, “All I can control is myself.” I will be telling myself that about 50 times a day. If I’m in the middle of a lesson where I’ve got five students and they’re really bubbling things up, and I’ve been waiting for three minutes, and I’m like, “I just need to get through this lesson,” I will tell myself, “I can only control what I can control, and all I can control right now is myself.”
So what can I do at this moment? I can take a deep breath. I can drop my shoulders. It’s going to be different for everybody, but I find it really helpful to take a deep breath in and really consciously think about where my shoulders are. Because for me, I feel like I get really tense and I’m like this—and everyone’s going to be different in that. So I’ll have my shoulders up near my ears, I’ll be really tense.
Just the act of me recognizing what’s happening in my body, recognizing that I am feeling very stressed and I’m not okay, taking a deep breath, and then intentionally dropping my shoulders—even just that, looking out into the classroom, you can see that act as a wave of regulation. When I started to learn these strategies, I was like, “This is a bit of magic.” I just couldn’t believe it. I was like, “I can’t believe this is working,” because, you know, I was being very punitive in my approach. I was doing a lot of shouting, a lot of crosses on the board, and I was very power-over.
When I started to adopt these things, I couldn’t believe how magical it was just to be able to start to influence rather than try to control—just through my regulation and just acknowledging that that is tough.
You know, all the students and teachers I work with, they come to me talking about how difficult they’re finding regulation. But then when you start to work on that, and when you start to realize how powerful that is, it can be like night and day.
What you do outside the classroom impacts how you show up
Yes, self-regulation is everything, and I’m obviously still working on it—I think it’s a lifelong thing. But it took me so many years to figure that out and to understand that who I am, apart from being in the classroom, has such a major impact. The way that I take care of myself outside of work spills over.
The types of practices that I do—learning to practice self-compassion, learning how to self-regulate in traffic or when my husband’s getting on my nerves or something—these are skills that you build. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. But I’d love to hear about what you do outside of the classroom that helps you stay regulated when you’re in the classroom.
Oh, I love that. And I completely agree—it’s a skill that we’re constantly trying to learn and master. When I was pregnant, and I was in the classroom with students who had very volatile, violent behaviors, it was very hard to stay regulated. Every day now, with my toddler, I’m always trying to practice those skills of regulation.
I spoke to the wonderful Marie Gentles on my podcast a little while back, and she used the term, “emotional containment.” I have used that ever since because I think it’s so beautiful. It’s about finding something—because I’m a busy mom, I don’t have time to do much. My toddler sleeps with me, so I don’t even have time to get up in the morning and do anything. Just finding something to practice emotional containment, where you’re spending even just five minutes on something that is just about you.
My thing is, I need to spend five minutes after school, after teaching, to have a cup of tea in the bedroom. I say to my husband, “I’m going in there now. I’m having my time.” I just need to sit there. I can’t be spoken to, I can’t hear it. I just need to have time by myself. If I don’t have that, I really struggle with overwhelm. I’ve gone through big spouts of burnout myself.
That time for me to decompress is so important. I know everyone is so different. Some people might want to go play a sport, go to the gym, or go for a walk. For me, it’s sitting in a dark room and not speaking to anybody. But it’s just about what works for you.
Yeah, even that five minutes really makes a difference. I always feel like I need a longer block of time for self-care. I wish I could have an entire weekend in which no one’s asking me to do anything, but honestly, even just 5 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour—whatever small bits of time—make a huge difference.
It’s interesting because I interviewed a teacher a long time ago who has seven children of her own. She trained them that when she comes home, the first 30 minutes she’s in the bedroom by herself. The older ones watch the younger ones, and they have their own little routine. They know, “Do not come upstairs and bother Mom.” She’s been teaching all day long, and now she’s got seven kids at home. That’s just a routine she’s established. She said, “It is my sanity.” They know that. They’ve seen her on days when she doesn’t get that, and she’s not as well-regulated. So I think it’s a normal need. The more we honor that, the better we’re going to be for the people around us.
Oh my gosh, seven kids. Oh my gosh, I’m struggling with one toddler!
Addressing root causes of behavior while teaching
So, okay, let’s get into some of these more severe behaviors you’ve had experience in. One of your guiding principles focuses on understanding the why behind the behavior. How do teachers address the root causes of behavior while managing the day-to-day disruptions, teaching lessons, and staying on top of everything that needs to be done? You can’t just stop and dig into a kid’s deepest issues right in the middle of your lesson. How do you balance those two things?
Oh, I love that question because when we hear that we need to understand the why beneath the behavior, that is exactly what teachers can think, and that’s how it gets misconstrued. Maybe even that’s how they’re being taught to think—that they need to stop and go, “What’s going on? What’s happening beneath the behavior?” That’s not the case. The student probably doesn’t even understand what’s going on beneath their behavior.
It’s very likely they have no idea what is going on beneath the behavior. There’s also an understanding that this might excuse the behavior, which is not the case at all. What’s happening in the brain is happening with all of us. That’s really powerful to understand. When we understand the basic functions of the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala, and the stress response, we can approach things in a way that actively de-escalates what’s in front of us.
For me, understanding the why is just about allowing us to see what’s happening in front of us and respond in a way that’s going to de-escalate, because it’s all about de-escalation. This understanding really just allows us to get to the root causes, and all of our pedagogy and teaching practices should be preventative when we understand the why beneath the behavior. We understand why that works.
It helps us to be more intentional in the way that we respond to behavior because we then have a better chance of keeping ourselves regulated. When we’re like, “Okay, what I see in front of me is likely a stress response,” we know if we want to address that stress response, we need to stay regulated and bring the student into our calm. It’s not about having 20 conversations an hour about what’s happening beneath the behavior. That’s not the case at all.
Of course, there is a time and place for those restorative chats for more extreme cases. But we don’t need to feel like we have to do that for every behavior. Using this information should inform and strengthen what we do daily. For example, I know that when I scaffold my essay writing tasks and provide supports like sentence starters, I’m mitigating the likelihood of Bobby going, “This is crap, I’m not doing it!” and throwing his book against the wall. He feels more supported.
It’s about understanding what we can put in place—structures, supports, routines—that will proactively address the underlying needs. We don’t need to know every student’s individual story; we just need to know that something could be happening and plan accordingly. That’s my thought on understanding the why beneath the behavior. I’m a big fan of it, but oh my gosh, could you imagine if we had to find out what was going on with every single student? They don’t know.
You don’t have to be a psychologist
Yes, that’s right. The kids can’t articulate it. So you’re like, “Why are you doing that? What is wrong with you today? Why aren’t you working?” And they’ll say, “I don’t know.” They truly cannot tell you. So when you start going into these, “Why are you…?” questions, you’re not going to get anywhere.
I think what you’ve said about focusing on proactive responses and thinking about what we know about neuroscience and stress responses, rather than playing psychological trauma detective, is key. Trying to dig it all up and figure out what’s going on in a kid’s home life—that’s not necessarily the role of a teacher. We don’t have to do that in order to understand the student. It’s more like, “Okay, this child is having a stress response. I don’t necessarily know why. I don’t know what triggered it, but I know how to respond to these kinds of things.” That’s such a powerful shift.
That’s so powerful. And I hear a lot of people say, “Oh, we’re not psychologists, and we don’t have training to deal with this stuff.” But we don’t have to be. We just have to be really great teachers. That’s the most empowering thing about an approach to behavior like this. We just have to have really good practice—control what we can control, know how to respond strategically, but not feel like we need to fix everything.
That’s really powerful for me personally because I am a fixer. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. When something is wrong, no matter how big or beyond me it is, I still feel like I should do something. When I have a student who is clearly suffering and going through things, I want to fix it. It’s really hard for me not to do that deep dive and not make that my mission.
I really love what you’re saying here. It’s a profound shift to think, “It’s not my job to fix.” Instead, I’m going to set this student up for success and respond in the moment to what they need. That’s my job. And I know how to do that. That’s what I’ve been trained to do, and that’s what I’m good at.
Yes, and that’s the way we can leave things. I’m with you completely. I think that’s why I got so burnt out when I first started teaching. It’s such an important shift because it allows us to leave things at the door. A lot of the people I work with are compassionate, kind, empathetic teachers who take so much on themselves. But all you can control is what you can control. You can’t control what happens when they leave that classroom. It’s a really important shift to make.
A crash course on trauma-informed teaching
Supporting students with severe behavior problems
What advice would you give to teachers working with students who have severe or persistent behavior challenges? Can you talk more about that burnout piece and the emotional exhaustion that comes with working with students who require intensive behavior support?
Absolutely. I think I mentioned before that I originally taught in a mainstream school. It was still a low socioeconomic school with plenty of behavior challenges, but there were classes that were easier to manage, so there was some respite. Then I moved to London and started teaching in a school specifically for students with social, emotional, and mental health needs—very complex needs.
These manifested in really big behaviors—really violent, really abusive—the whole shebang. I think I said it before, but I would walk into every lesson telling myself, “I can only control what I can control.” I reminded myself every single second I was working with those students.
Another really helpful thing to know about students with big behaviors is that behavior change doesn’t happen overnight. It can be disheartening to work with students who exhibit these big behaviors. You try really hard, you invest in their emotional piggy banks, you develop rapport, and you follow the advice to build relationships, but they don’t come on board with that.
For students with significant social, emotional, and mental health needs, their ability to trust has likely been completely eroded over their lives. It’s important to remind ourselves that their attachment style—often disorganized—didn’t develop overnight. Their brains have been shaped by their entire lives’ worth of connection points.
Understanding that their attachment style and the behaviors we see in the classroom are a product of their entire life’s worth of connection points helps us maintain empathy for the student. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. There have been moments in my career where I’ve thought, “I don’t want this student in my class anymore. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to be treated this way.” It’s human to feel that way sometimes.
But reminding ourselves of the bigger picture—that the way they’re presenting in class is the result of everything they’ve been through—can help us maintain perspective. We’re not going to undo that in a day, a month, or even a year. However, every single moment of connection that we make with that student is actually changing their brain. It’s not always visible, but it’s happening.
I heard this beautiful analogy, and if anyone knows where it came from, let me know because I’ve been trying to find the source. It was shared in a training I attended years ago: working with students with challenging behaviors is like planting a seed in a garden. You don’t see the roots growing beneath the surface, but the roots are growing every time you choose connection, every time you show compassion, every time you model kindness and respect.
We learn compassion, kindness, and respect through seeing it modeled. If students aren’t showing those behaviors, it’s likely because they haven’t seen those things modeled in their lives. Every time you choose to take the high road and show them a better way of being, you’re creating new neural connections for them. It’s literally reshaping their brains.
The hard part is that you don’t always get to see the fruits of that labor. Sometimes, it feels like what you’re doing is not working. But trust that the seeds you’re planting will grow—even if the roots are deep underground, unseen. That understanding has helped me tremendously in staying the course with students who challenge me the most.
For teachers who are working with students exhibiting really challenging behaviors, what’s crucial is setting boundaries—not just with the students, but also with yourself. Knowing when to walk away emotionally, even if you’re still physically present, is vital for your well-being.
For example, you might have a student who’s had a really tough day and is pushing every button you have. It’s okay to acknowledge to yourself, “I’ve done all I can in this moment.” Step away mentally and focus on controlling your own regulation. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so protecting your energy is not selfish; it’s essential.
Another thing I recommend is leaning on your team. Don’t try to shoulder the responsibility of behavior management alone. Use your colleagues, your administration, and other support staff as resources. It can feel isolating when you’re in a room with a student who’s struggling, but you’re not alone in this work. Build a network of people you can trust to help.
Behavior management is most sustainable when you have systems in place that prevent and mitigate problems before they escalate. This includes consistent routines, clear expectations, and proactive strategies. For instance, having strong entry and exit routines can set the tone for the entire day. Small things like greeting students at the door, establishing predictable transitions, and implementing a system for early finishers can make a big difference.
You’re not going to eliminate every challenge, but creating a structured environment reduces the number of decisions students have to make, which decreases opportunities for behaviors to escalate. When students know what to expect and feel supported, they’re more likely to engage positively.
For me, the most important thing is focusing on what we can control. There’s so much about teaching that feels out of our hands—student home lives, systemic challenges, and the broader context in which we teach. But within our classrooms, we have the power to create a safe, predictable, and supportive environment. That’s where we can make the biggest difference.
10 common problems and layered strategies for supporting dysregulated students
You are creating new neural pathways for students every day–and that matters
Even on the hardest days, remember that the work you’re doing matters. You may not see the results immediately, but every moment of connection, every act of compassion, and every effort to support your students is planting seeds for their future. Trust the process, and give yourself grace along the way.
They have this highway to a certain behavior, a way of being, a response, and they are on that one-track highway. When we’re working with students and trying to redirect those behaviors, we’re trying to create a completely new path off that highway. Maybe for the first month, we’re pulling out some weeds off the highway. Maybe they go, “Oh, you know, people are going down this way. Maybe I’ll mow this area,” and there’s another little pathway they can take to get to this result—they don’t have to use this behavior.
Over time, maybe the council comes in and says, “Hey, this pathway is being used a lot; let’s put some tarmac down.” In their brain, what used to be their highway to a certain behavior to meet this need, we’re actually crafting a different path, a different way of being and responding. Getting the council to put in a new highway doesn’t happen overnight. It’s about forging this new pathway, practicing it, and treading it down over time. I hope I haven’t completely demolished that analogy, but it’s something that has stuck with me ever since, and I love it so much.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think that over time, that’s what has shaped my approach. When we talk about crafting those new neural pathways, it doesn’t always look like sitting down with a student and saying, “Okay, this is how we need to respond differently.” Sometimes it’s about those micro-moments:
For example, knowing that Ms. English always has a starter activity ready for them when they walk into class. That small predictability supports their regulation. It’s the tiny moments of connection that build trust in other human beings—trust they may not have had before.
I’ve had students where, after a year, I didn’t feel like I had any success with them. But five years down the road, I saw the evidence of the work I did. I never got a “thank you,” and I don’t need one. But as teachers, we often don’t realize how much impact we’re having because it’s not something we immediately see, and that can be tough.
This comes up a lot in my work, especially when I’m hearing from folks on Instagram. First, you deserve to be supported by your leadership. You deserve to be heard, and your challenges deserve to be validated. However, the support teachers think they want isn’t always the support they actually need.
There’s a lot of disempowerment in classrooms, and a firmer hand from leadership won’t always help. If you want leadership to remove students and expel them, that does nothing to change the behavior when they return to your classroom. I hear this time and time again from teachers I support: they send a student out, the student talks to the principal, and they come back with no communication about what happened. It feels like the issue is brushed aside, and the problems escalate.
There are so many issues in schools like this that we can’t control. That’s why I’m all about controlling the controllable. You can’t control leadership’s response to the student unless you leave and find a different school. If your school environment truly isn’t serving you and you feel disempowered, that might be a choice you have to make.
But while you’re there, focus on what you can control. What can you do to strengthen your classroom community? How can your classroom become an island of safety for your students? This is something I’ve had to do myself. I’ve walked into school every day thinking, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel so unsupported.” But at some point, I realized, “This is my space. These are my kids.” I decided to make my classroom a place where I could control what I could control.
I’m not saying don’t seek support. You absolutely need it for challenging behaviors. But I want you to focus on seeking the right support and building your space as a safe haven for yourself and your students.
That it’s not about the behavior. Classroom management isn’t about behavior—it’s about everything we do. We can’t control behavior, so it’s not behavior management; it’s classroom management.
We can only influence and guide behavior. That understanding allows us to take a breath and let go of the weight of perfection. Behavior isn’t a reflection of us as teachers or human beings. It’s what the student is doing in that moment. We’re doing the best we can to guide and influence them.
Remember that classroom management is about what you can control. Give yourself grace, focus on what’s within your power, and move forward with that. It’s empowering.
