Hilarious kid stories shared by real teachers

This is a collection of stories teachers have emailed me that started with posts from the Teachers.net Primary Education chat board (which has since been divided into separate grade levels).  Someone on the board came up with the idea to post the funniest classroom stories, and what follows are hilarious TRUE tales from classrooms all across America that I copied and pasted from the chat board, combined with the awesome stories that you all email to me.  Because the teachers don’t use their real names on the boards (or often, any names at all), I haven’t been able to give credit to the contributors.  If you recognize any of the anecdotes below and would like to add your name to it, please email me.  (Many of these anecdotes could be incriminating, though, so anonymity is probably best!) Old posts are not archived at Teachers.net, so this is the only place you’ll find the collection of stories below. I’ve divided them into classic kid moments and classic parent moments (encounters with students’ parents). Enjoy!!

True teacher stories: Funny stuff kids say in the classroom

During the Christmas/holiday classroom party, a boy comes up to me with a gift bag (obviously re-used) and says: “Here teacher…my mom got this present and she didn’t want it and she called everyone in our family and they didn’t want it either so she said to just bring it to school and give it to you!”  I love how they tell the truth! If their parents only knew how much they really tell us

Mine happened at the beginning of this year. At one point all the students were doing their assignments and on task. It was a lovely few minutes! LOL Anyway, this one girl all of a sudden yelled out “I’m tired of this! Raise your hand if you want to go home!” Well, of course most of the class raised their hands and that lovely time was over. She reminds me, in some ways, of Junie B Jones and I think that comment is something she might say. I try to laugh them off (in my head) but oh, how sometimes it’s really a challenge.

As Christmas approached, a boy announced that Santa Claus isn’t real. One of my bright students tearfully said, “Ms. A., he’s disrespecting my religious beliefs!”

Earlier this year I was approached by one of my kindergarteners in tears. I asked her what was wrong. “____ just called me a baby!”  I called the other little girl over and said,” Did you just call ____a baby?” “No, no, no!” shouted the little girl. “I said ‘Hey baby!’ You know like the mom said to the dad when she calls him and wants him to come over for the night.”

Student A didn’t do her homework and told me that she couldn’t because her mom made her go buy a new cat that night and she wanted to play with the cat instead and her mom said it was okay… This story checked out. A phone call later, mom says yes, she was too tired from playing with her cat so she didn’t see the need for her to do her homework. She’ll do it another time.

This was definitely a classic moment that I heard through my cooperating teacher during my student teaching experience. I still laugh at the thought. While grading science tests for her third grade class, this teacher noticed a memorable response to one of the questions. It said:  ‘Please list the three states of matter…’. The reply was, “North Carolina, Virginia, and Kentucky.” The three states THAT matter! HA!

I teach third grade. About a month ago we had a sick student who was out for a couple of weeks. I told my class that I would get some things for him, we would make some get well cards and send it all to the boy. I got some things from Wal-Mart and left them in my truck. I asked three of my boys to go to my truck (parked right outside our door) and get the items from the backseat. I gave one of the boys a list– model airplane, poster to color, crossword puzzle etc… When they came back into the room he was holding several sacks. I could see that one of the small sacks held a box of tampons. (I forgot they were back there.) My teaching partner was in my room and before I could do anything the boy took them out of the sack, held them up over his head and yells, “I guess this is the crossword puzzle.” My co-teacher and I were both so red and trying not to laugh that I just said, “Uh-huh” and put the box back in the bag. His mom is an Assistant Principal on another campus. I emailed her to tell her the story and so that she would know if they were ever on the feminine product aisle and he asked for a crossword puzzle she would know what he meant. She thought it was too funny.

Many years ago, when I was teaching 5th grade, I was grading students’ science homework papers. One of the questions was “Who developed the system of naming organisms?” or something like that. Anyway, the correct answer was supposed to be Carl Linnaeus. One of my students wrote ‘Adam’ for his answer. When I questioned him about it, he said he was referring to Adam in the Bible. He had learned in Sunday School that Adam had named all the animals in the Garden of Eden. Guess what? I counted his answer correct!

I just remembered another one. I was teaching at a Christian school at the time, and we did a week-long study of Martin Luther. We learned all about the Protestant Reformation and Luther’s life. At the end of the unit, the book had a picture of Martin Luther. When one student saw it, his response was, “I always thought that guy was black.”

My first week of my first year of teaching, I turned my head for a moment during an art project and I had two students cut their hair!! I’ll never forget that!  [I also had this happen.  The child had about fifty braids on her head and one got snipped off.  The parent was so furious that she demanded her child be removed from my class!  The principal was so dumbfounded he just told her to think that over and if she still really wanted to take her out of my class the next day, he would do it.  She called the next day and apologized, hehe. –Angela].

One I will NEVER forget… I was teaching kinder in South Los Angeles: rough neighborhood, gangs, prostitutes, drugs, etc. So, I never knew what was going to come out of my students’ mouths. We had a few tricycles on our little playground and only one red one. Well, one of my kids loved that red bike. We came out to recess and another little boy was on it. My student went up to this boy, put his hands on the handlebars, and said, “Get of the bike, b****!”

My first year of teaching I had a boy named Patrick who never hung up his coat. I was tired of it and I warned him that it was going in the trash can the next time I found it on the floor. Well, the next time it happened…I threw it in the trash, with the good intention of taking it out within a few minutes. Within that few minutes a student felt sick and vomited in the trash can! Did I have some explaining to do to the parents. I was very lucky because I knew the parent and had worked with him before I became a teacher. I called him to explain, and he laughed and said they had the same problem with him at home. Boy, was I lucky. I offered to get it dry cleaned, but they said “No. Send it home in a garbage bag!”

My students were sitting around talking about what their dads do for a living. One of mine said “My dad fixes boobies!” I later asked the mom what dad did. She replied, “He is an anesthesiologist”. I told her the comment, and she told us that relatives had recently asked dad what his favorite surgery was. He said boob jobs, because he sits at the patient’s eye level and gets to tell the dr. if they are even!!! Apparently junior overheard the conversation. I laugh about this every time I think about it!

I teach kindergarten and when I was urging a student to get down to work, he looked up and me and said, “You do know that I didn’t sign up for this. My dad did it.”

My first year of teaching I had a terribly naughty little boy (he tried to pull the fire alarm on the first day of school). About midway through the year he drew a picture at free time and brought it up to show me. He pointed to the pictures saying, “Look, this is me and on my shoulders I drew those two guys that tell you to do good things or bad things… I like to listen to the bad one!” It was so funny (and true) all I could do was hug him and laugh!

Another time we had been talking about healthy eating and our bodies and one boy raised his hand and said, “If you look at your arms you can see the VINES inside your body.”

One moment happened several years ago when I taught grade one. Each primary class had received one of those colorful carpets with the seven continents on it. Well, day 2 of having this carpet, Andre got very sick, and threw up. When his dad came to take him home, Andre proudly says, “Daddy, I threw up all over North America AND South America!”

This one came from my then 4-year old grandson…I had promised to take him to the local ice cream shop one summer evening. He had been playing with some neighborhood friends and if we were going to get to the shop before it closed we needed to leave. As I put him in the car, he protested because he wanted to play some more. Well, we were driving and I turned to him and asked, “What kind of ice cream are you going to get tonight?’ He would not answer me. So I turned to my husband who was driving and said, “I guess I’m getting the silent treatment.” From the backseat we heard, “I don’t think they have that kind.”

I was teaching in a rural school district in a town of about 1200 people. It was 3rd grade. We were discussing Native American Indians. The kids were really into the discussion, when one little girl named Alysha raised her hand and said, “I know a whole lot about Native American Indians!” I said, “Oh you do? She said, “Yes, the reason I know so much about them is because my daddy is FULL BLOODED REDNECK!”

My favorite came from child in my pre-first grade class. He’d been gone for several days because his grandfather had passed away. When he returned I told him we’d missed him. He told me, “I had to go to Iowa because my grandpa died and I had to be at the back and be a polar bear.” When I called the mom to share that with her, she told me that indeed, all the grandsons ages six to adult had been the pallbearers. I’ve never been to a funeral since that I don’t think of that and smile.

It was the beginning of a new school year and it was still quite hot outside. I finally got my first graders on target one afternoon and was really quite happy with how the math lesson was going. At the same time one of my students who had a speech problem was scratching away at about 50 mosquito bites on his legs (I am not kidding). Right in the middle of the lesson, Christopher YELLS…”Mithuth. ____, theeth mothquito biteth are a pain in the ath.” Before I could think, I said, “Christopher, what did you say?” And, he repeated it again! I had a terrible time trying to keep from laughing! I sent him right to the nurse for some cream!

Just the other day in first… One of my shyest little boys wasn’t doing his work so I walked over to him and just as I bent down, he tells the little girl across from him, “You are just so beautiful, I can’t stop staring at you!” At least I knew why he wasn’t working!

I have a student whose father is a biology professor at a local college and is mother in a high school resource teacher. For Valentine’s Day he made a card for his dad with a beaker on it, saying “to a great biology teacher.” On the other side, for his mom, it said, “to whatever kind of teacher you are”.

Once while playing checkers with a 2nd grader, I was asked what my favorite things were. I wasn’t sure what to say, so just to be funny I said, “Oh, I think my favorite things are new shoes and clean socks!” “Well if you like clean socks,” he said with honest eyes, “you’re playing with the wrong kid!” I laughed till I cried and he laughed too!

After falling during morning recess and hurting his thumb, a boy told me during a math lesson “I can’t do math today.” When I asked why he said “Because it hurts when I make a 9.” (He was using his fingers to add!!!) I told him to make the “four” with his other hand!

This year, I worked with BSI [a special education program?], and would pull students out of classrooms to work with me.  Many of the children would raise their hands and ask to go with me.  One day, toward the end of the year, their classroom teacher said, “What, no one wants to stay here with me?” Well, one little girl that I worked with said, “Don’t worry Mrs. Smith, I like you better.”  Mrs. Smith said, “Oh no, don’t say that in front of Mrs. Morrison!” Then the little girl said, “Well, not by that much!”    I could not stop laughing!

I have 10 girls and 5 boys in my 2nd grade class this year. All the girls are utterly and completely horse crazy! I found this note on the floor after school one day. Obviously someone was daydreaming and having a horse ranch owners fantasy… 9:00 – build barn, 10:00 – make a fence, 11:00 – catch horses, 12:00 – train horses, 1:00 – ride horses, 2:00 – brush horses.  I had to show the other teachers. It was so well thought out, but maybe a bit ambitious! Did I mention we were doing a math unit on time?

One year, in a second grade classroom, we read a story about a little girl who flew around the world and saw many different things, one of which was the Statue of Liberty.  When the students were asked to name something she saw on her journey, a little boy said the Spatula Delivery!  Too cute!

[Love this one!] Last year’s class was probably the sweetest group of kids I’ve worked with. One day it was getting close to recess and I had a few kids off task. I reminded them that before we could go outside there were certain things that needed to be done and, just for emphasis, I held up my plan book and pointed to the day’s agenda. One little boy’s eyes widened in surprise and he blurted out, “Omigod! You mean you write this stuff down?!”

Share YOUR Stories!

Every teacher has hilarious tales from the classroom–add yours in the comments below!