In a moment of total boredom (okay, it must have been like seven hours of total boredom), I somehow found my way onto the ‘best of’ page of Craiglists’ Rants and Raves. Having never used Craigslist before, I was amazed to discover that it’s listings were like a horrible, horrible train wreck from which I could not look away. After that captivating night, I have not allowed myself to venture back to the un-edifying and possibly brain damaging time waster that is Rants and Raves. However, it did provide excellent blog fodder and inspired me to compose the following rant.
I finished my rant about a month ago, but I’ve been hesitant to post. It’s a bit further over the sarcasm edge than I prefer to venture publicly, especially since this blog is not anonymous (hi, Superintendent Notter!) But I enjoyed its composition and feel like sharing today. Because I love my kids’ parents (and my job), let’s just state the obvious…this letter is a joke, directed at no one, not inspired by any real events (other than some wackos on Craigslist), and of course, not intended to actually be sent to anyone, ever.
Thank you, Mr./Ms. ***** for recognizing my infinite power and ability to impact the world on so many levels. Most parents have underestimated my abilities. They view me as only a teacher, and fail to realize just how much impact I have on the students’ school experiences.
You, on the other hand, know that I am responsible for the bus having failed to pick up your child on time this morning. I apologize for not having chosen 7 alternate routes for all bus drivers in case of traffic, accidents, train crossings, and drawbridge raisings. This was clearly my responsibility during my term as Director of the Department of Transportation.
The amount and difficulty of academic work is also my fault. You see, when I served as DOE head, I chose to cram more skills and concepts into each grade level’s standards than could ever possibly be taught. I specified that young children must complete 2 hours of homework each night, and determined that obtuse and acute triangles are appropriate concepts for eight-year-olds to learn. I personally removed handwriting from the standards, which is why your child writes so sloppily. The difficulty of our state standardized test was set by a committee that I formed and obviously allowed to get a bit carried away with expectations. But fortunately, if your child does not pass, I can pull some strings with that committee to override the mandatory retention law and send your little genius on to the next grade level. So, feel free to ask!
Your complaints about the school lunch are also valid. During my bout as Director of Food Services, I neglected to select healthful and delicious food options that didn’t involve either a deep fryer or layer of government-issue cheese. This year’s increase in cost for school lunch is, regrettably, my fault as well, since I failed to deter inflation and stabalize the economy during my internships with the Federal Reserve and Secretary of the Treasury.
Of course, I also take responsibility for your child’s social difficulties. I am aware that another child called yours a moron during recess. As the provider of home loans through all national banks, I determined which families would be allowed to buy homes in the zoning area for your child’s school. I was also the landlord for the deteriorating apartment complex next to the school, and hand-picked the families that would be allowed to rent, based on intelligence, respectfulness, and general lack of familial dysfunction. So the fact that there is a foul-mouthed child in our class is my full responsibility. Unfortunately, I cannot do much to address the problem now that my stint as Superintendent is over; I no longer have the ability to place the offending child in a special school for troubled children as you requested. (Incidentally, when I spoke to the child’s parent about the moron incident, she claimed her kid learned the word from TV, not in the home. As Chairman of the FCC, I managed to fine Janet Jackson but failed to get ‘Family Guy’ off the air. My sincere apologies.)
Thank you once again for your patience as I work to make your school experience a perfect one. I have one favor to ask of you: could you please keep my past identities a secret from the other parents? Everyone else just expects me to be friendly, supportive, patient, knowledgeable, and talented at holding the attention of small children during instruction in key skills. Right now we’re both really happy with the way our relationship is working, and their expectations of me might change, should they realize my rank and prestige. Our little secret can be just one more thing for you to hold over my head. Thanks!!!
Your Child’s Teacher,
Founder and Writer
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