5 ridiculously unhelpful things I’ve said to students

I was recently chatting online with a teacher who was sharing how embarrassed she was at a recent interaction with a student. He was frustrated with something in class and she told him, “Stop crying and get back to work.” As we reflected on that together, she wrote:

Imagine how I would feel if I were crying and someone told me “Stop it, grown ups don’t act like that.” Well, how about you help me process my thoughts and feelings so I can behave better then? That’s what we have to do for our students….It is easier to lecture, berate, and shame than to support them in changing. In those times when we truly don’t have it in us to be the positive support our kids need, we’re better to be silent and then follow up later with a calm discussion than to speak out of frustration and anger.

That got me thinking about some really ineffective and unhelpful things I’ve said to students over the years. Here is the (short) list of statements I hope to have removed permanently from my vocabulary:

1. You’re in 3rd grade, you need to act like it!

What it really means: I expect you to demonstrate self-control every minute of the school day.

Why it’s ineffective: Last time I checked, third graders are 8 years old. 8 year olds tend to be silly, impulsive, and often times illogical. So every time I uttered this statement, my kids WERE acting like third graders…they just weren’t acting like the elusive Perfectly Behaved Third Grader I had envisioned in my mind.

What I’d say instead: I know you can do better than this. I believe in you.

2. Why are you doing that/Why do I see playing around/hear talking?

What it really means: Stop that right now!

Why it’s ineffective: In those moments, I’ve already decided there’s no good reason for anyone to be acting that way, so I don’t really want to hear what’s causing it or get into a debate with the kids about whether it’s justified. So, it’s better to replace those unproductive “why” questions with questions that inspire constructive responses from students and help them think about their behavioral choices.

What I’d say instead: What should you be doing right now?

3. That’s none of your business. Worry about yourself.

What it really means: I don’t feel like dealing with this or you right now.

Why it’s ineffective: Responding to tattling that way often tears down rather than build up a classroom community, and it’s confusing to kids. Do I want students to only worry about themselves, or do I want them to help each other? How are they supposed to know when to pay attention to what’s happening with their peers and when to only care about themselves?

One minute I say, “Don’t just sit there, help her pick those crayons up!” and the next I say, “Do your work and let her take care of herself!” I say, “You knew he was writing those rude things on the cover of that book and you didn’t do anything?!” and then an hour later snap, “Worry about yourself—that doesn’t concern you!” It’s more effective to teach kids how to address problems with each other.

What I’d say instead: Did you talk to him/her about that?

4. If you don’t want to learn, then you shouldn’t be here.

What it really means: I have no obligation to teach students who aren’t enthusiastic and compliant.

Why it’s ineffective: It’s just not true! Our job is to teach the students we have, not the ones we wish we had. I’ve actually taken the unhelpful statement a step further and said, “You don’t want to participate? Then leave!” and sent the kid to a coworker’s classroom for an hour or so. That solved the problem of my derailed lesson, but not the problem of the child’s disengagement. While I think it’s appropriate to remove a disruptive child sometimes, it shouldn’t be done with the premise that the student is only welcome in the classroom when they are fully invested in their learning.

I’m also uncomfortable with making the determination that a child is not going to learn–sometimes kids get sucked into a lesson halfway through, but if we remove them from the room at the first sign of disinterest, they don’t get the opportunity to self-correct. I tended to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain students: I’d anticipate a behavior problem and give up on the student before they even did anything wrong: “Oh, you’re going to sigh because I said to take out a pencil? GO!” Talk about an overreaction!

What I’d say instead: We’re counting on you to participate with this and we want you to join in appropriately. If you choose not to, please sit at the table over there so your group can continue working. You’re welcome to re-join anytime you’re ready. [If needed: If you choose not to complete the assignment, we can talk later about the consequences for that.]

5. Do you want to get a zero/repeat 3rd grade? Then you need to get to work!

What it really means: I am terrified that you’re going to fail and I’m going to be held accountable for it.

Why it’s ineffective: I’ve uttered this question when I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m more invested in the student’s success than s/he is. However, if you’ve ever threatened a child with repeating the grade level or course, then you know it’s a generally a poor motivator and does not inspire them to care on the same level that you do. It might get them back on task for the moment, but it does nothing to build their confidence. It creates anxiety and raises the stakes for a task that they already find difficult and uninteresting. Why not stop with the dramatics and just help the kid get back on task?

What I’d say instead: Which part are you stuck on? How can I help?

While I’m betting you probably recognize yourself a bit in this post, I hope you won’t rush to defend practices that could probably use improvement, and I hope you won’t condemn yourself. These are not 5 statements that make you a bad teacher: they’re just things that I have stepped back from, reflected on, and decided, “Yeah, that was a pretty ridiculous thing to say in that moment and not helpful to my kids. Next time, I’m going to try to respond more productively.” The only way to become more effective in our interactions with students is to reflect on our practice, and I hope my words today have been a jumping off point for you to think about some of your common phrases that could use replacing.

Share your thoughts with us! Is there anything you’ve caught yourself saying to students that you would never want to repeat? What are the ineffective responses you say a lot and are trying to move away from?